well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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