Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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