I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Randomize
