I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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