First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
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