gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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