why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
