Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Randomize
