I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Let's get the cat blown out
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Randomize
