At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
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