I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
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