i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
