get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
