I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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