I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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