fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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