Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
True strength comes from lack of pants
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
