Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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