**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Randomize
