My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
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