Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize