Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
