I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
