Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Randomize
