If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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