Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
