sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
