Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Randomize
