a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
