I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize