Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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