Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
