I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
