he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
