A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
