new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
