using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
How does one acquire holy water?
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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