I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Randomize
