You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
