Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
