I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
