Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize