mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
