My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
whose parrot is this?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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