I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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