words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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