he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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