Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
