NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
You ruined the universe
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize