I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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