I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Just invented taco cereal.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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