i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
