i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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