she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
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