I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Randomize
