no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
