If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize