my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
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