is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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