**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
