I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize
