the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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